i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Can you bring me the toilet please
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
