I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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