i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
