tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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