fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
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my shit smells like andre
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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