Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
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lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
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That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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