Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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