Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
