In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
