FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
