Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You took a bar mat shot.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
