So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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