I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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