Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
