Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
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We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
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