I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
