the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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