Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
