Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
