my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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