wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
