i think my tv is drunk
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
