my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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