She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Man, jail baloney is awful.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
