I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
