tonight lets celebrate not being married
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
