he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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