I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
