Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
