Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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