I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
