You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
