when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
