Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
