I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
