I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We have started to decorate penises.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
