Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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