why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm sobbing to NWA
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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