Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
