Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
