i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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