I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
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You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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