people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
