Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
