I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
