whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
