Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
