Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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