Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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