dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
People in love make me want to vomit
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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