so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
