i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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