dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
