Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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