she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
