i don't like sucking hair
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
