What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
