If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
