he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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