Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
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